The Romance Theory: Have We Lost Touch With the Reality of Romance?
Despite my addiction to popular culture and the bastard rectangle of distraction that sits firmly in my palm, I bloody hate technology.
The internet really is the double edged sword of my generation and social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram have opened up a world of voyeurism and comparison that is both addictive and horrifying.
Much like anything that should otherwise be golden and delicious, love and relationships have gone from personal connections to public displays of devotion and oftentimes it feels as if we can’t quite find the middle ground of healthy and happy in our digital world.
The world of love and romance features heavily on social media and while many of us use our favourite platforms as a way to update our friends and family, it is also an ideal opportunity for influencers to showcase their lives and get that hashtag sponsored status!
As a writer, I love writing about love and intimacy (buy my book here) and I can’t help but wonder if we’re losing grip on the reality of romance, taking too much notice of what we see online and therefore missing out on experiencing real, authentic romance in our lives.
“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more, but you know what I am”
Mr. Knightly from Jane Austin’s Emma.
What Even Is Romance?
I have a theory.
What we know of romance in the twenty-first century tends to be based on the actions of others. When you think of romance, you might think of somebody buying you flowers or a partner planning an elaborate date night for you.
This understanding of romance puts the responsibility on the action of another, whereas romance is actually the emotion we feel.
Where we might see a partner’s action as an act of romance, it is actually how that action makes us feel that is truly romantic.
Romance is an emotion, not an action or event and so while it might be lovely to be bought flowers or to spend quality time with a partner, it’s actually the way that you feel in that moment that is inherently romantic.
So, what does that mean for relationships within a culture that places so much importance on what others can see of our love lives?
“I see you everywhere, in the stars, in the river, to me you’re everything that exists; the reality of everything.”
Virginia Wolf, Night & Day
Hate-Watching Proposal Videos
Comparison really is the thief of joy and when we’re chronically online, it’s extremely easy to get caught up in a cycle of hate-watching other people’s romantic highlights.
When we feel as if we’re lacking something in our lives, it is all too easy to feel as if we’re seeing it absolutely everywhere for everyone else but us.
If you’re single and you’re unhappy about it, you begin to see reel after reel of happy couples enjoying once in a lifetime adventures together.
It might feel as if you cannot open Instagram without seeing yet another couple get engaged on top of some impossibly high mountain or within some shudder inducing flash-mob and before you know it, you’re hate-watching videos of proposals at Taylor Swift concerts and hoping they say no.
It can quickly feel as if everyone else is living their most romantic life when you’ve just banned yourself from dating apps again and left wondering when it’s your turn.
Yet this online-induced apathy towards your love life happens just as much as it does for those in relationships.
When you’re swiping through videos of men making their partner a gourmet five-course meal with candles strewn across the room or women surprising their loved one with flights to some tropical location, it can be all too easy to look across to your lover and struggle to remember the last time you ate dinner without The Office playing in the background or enjoying a weekend without arguing over who should decide what to do.
That is because the majority of what we see on the internet isn’t a true reflection of peoples lives and this can be especially true of content that is centered about romance and relationships.
Every ‘Our Weekend Routine’ video posted by an influencer couple or family has been planned, filmed and edited to showcase the very best of their relationship.
That shot of them waking up together, laughing as they make the bed? Fucking weird. They’ve filmed that at least three times to get it just right.
That clip of her reacting to an enormous bunch of flowers in some unnecessary flower box? Fucking weird. They’ve been bought purely for the pretence that these apparent surprises are a part of their everyday lives.
No wonder we’re all feeling disappointed with the reality of relationships and romance when nobody is filming their fights over not flushing the toilet or who’s putting the bins out.
“I have room in me for love. And for ever so many little lives.” – Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals
Can We Get a Crumb of Romance?
So what does a girl (or guy) have to do to get some romance?
When you stop equating romance with the actions of others and begin to accept that it is a feeling that you get to define, you can find romance in just about any area of your life, whether you’re single or in a relationship.
This doesn’t mean you should accept the bare minimum from your partner or feel as if you’re expecting too much by wanting certain things from a relationship but it might help you to recognise the little things in your life and love that evoke the feeling of romance.
If we’re talking relationships, what you find romantic doesn’t necessarily mean someone else will, including your partner and so it is down to you to recognise when you feel these emotions.
Some of the times wherein which I have felt most enveloped by romantic feelings have been within fairly ordinary circumstances and haven’t necessarily fallen within a traditional relationship structure.
For the sake of privacy and for the shred of dignity I have left, we’ll refer to the gentleman within this example as Bert. I’ve never dated a Bert.
Bert and I have been seeing each other on and off for years, connecting for months at a time, and these feel like some of the most romantic experiences I’ve had.
Not because he was doing anything exceptional, planning elaborate dates or being particularly sentimental but because I felt completely, utterly seen and heard within his company.
That felt like romance to me, it was that golden light kind of warmth, and so it didn’t really matter what we were doing because I felt it and enjoyed it so keenly that it was enough to fill my cup and I would drink from it again in a heartbeat.
Nothing about our encounters were Instagram worthy but I didn’t care and it doesn’t really matter if he felt the same sense of romance because I still did. We’re allowed to experience the same thing differently.
That’s the standard of romance with which I measure my feelings for men. It’s not about what they do but it’s about the way that I feel. I’m not willing to settle for anything less and if feeling that way means it looks different to what I’d imagined or what anyone else is doing that that is fine too.
Maybe you feel that golden light when you watch your partner with your children or when they make you a cup of tea without asking. Who cares if it’s not internet worthy if it works for you.
“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”
Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
Platonic Romance Rules Supreme
Honestly, my greatest love affairs have been with my best friends and platonic romance is very much a thing!
I would love to get a male perspective but as a woman who relies on the other woman around her to feel like a normal person, I simply wouldn’t be without them.
Their love, support and how we have the most fun together is pure romance. I always leave with that warmth in my chest and honestly, I romance the fuck out of myself too.
I believe that I was meant to live the life of a naked woman in a Renaissance painting and I try to get as close to that as possible. If I could legally lay naked near a lake, reading in the sunshine whilst being fed ripe fruits then I would. That sounds like the ultimate romance to me.
Saying this doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to want a romantic relationship with a partner but it does mean you can recognise other feelings of romance in different areas of your life and find a sense of fulfillment in those.
Taking a sense of ownership around our romantic emotions will eventually help us all to release some of the pent up pressure caused by being let loose on the Internet in such weird online times.
I thoroughly encourage we all romance the fuck out of ourselves in whatever way we feel it the most.